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The Gift of Intention

Many of us spend more time in reflection at this time of year.  We are near the end of one year and entering into a new one very soon. Focusing our mind on what we have experienced helps to focus our thoughts – the good, the bad and the ugly as well as what our hopes and dreams are for the year to come. There is power in positive intentions.

Finding a real meaning for Christmas

So, Christmas is nearly upon us. We are bombarded with advertisements that suggest we should be spending our hard-earned money. We should be buying gifts for everybody and everything, treating ourselves to all manner of goodies and having a fabulous time. The sound of  catchy christmas music blasts out in shops, cafes and you have to fight your way through the piled high boxes of chocolates and tinsel to get into the supermarket.

Don’t get me wrong, I like this time of year, I loved Christmas as a child. However, as I have got older, I have realised that the Christmas sold to many of us is not a reality. We are sold a fantasy of “happiness” that is achieved through acquiring stuff that we don’t need or necessarily want and the expectations of “conforming” can feel overwhelming.

I do not consider myself a religious person (so maybe I shouldn’t be celebrating at all)! However, it feels to me that Christmas has become so far removed from religion that perhaps instead we should be worshipping the Coca Cola lorry!! After all it was Coca Cola that gave us one of the most iconic images of Father Christmas.

Winter solstice

Perhaps it’s the pull of the Pagan in me to celebrate the winter solstice as this feels more real and meaningful. Perhaps I am just getting old and miserable! Or just perhaps I want a change in this World (which becomes smaller by the day) that is positive and all-encompassing for everything that lives on this tiny beautiful mud ball in our incredible Universe.

Commercialism verses human reality

In this World full of MATERIAL EXCESS. The reality is that there are people all over the World who do not have the basics. Shelter, water, food. Children all over the World caught up in wars that have been created by Governments (not people) because they keep control over populations and resources and make huge amounts of money (yes, war is big business). Families separated and displaced, lives torn apart, people pitched against each other, children sleeping in the dark and cold not knowing when they may get a scrap to eat next. Look closer to home and you will find individuals and families under all kinds of stress, vulnerable, isolated or alone. Christmas is not the fantastic time of year we are sold, no, for many is the worst time of year possible.

A useful gift

There’s so much going on in our World at the moment it can feel overwhelming and creates a sense that as an individual there is little we can do to change things. I am realizing that’s just not true! The most important asset we have as individuals is our own power and intention. I have thought about my intention, my own power to make small changes to impact positively on the World and others and I am going to start it this Christmas, as a gift to myself. A useful gift, one I can use every day. A gift that will help me to think wisely, a gift that will help me to question, a gift to make choices, a gift that will give me courage and a gift that will give me confidence to bring about positive change for myself, others and the World.

Christmas Jumper

In reality, I have always had this gift, I just haven’t appreciated it fully. It’s been in the back of the wardrobe along with the dodgy Christmas jumper. Occasionally, like the jumper I have got it out, worn it and then put it back. I felt good wearing it.  It made me smile. It made others smile but wearing a Christmas jumper any other time than Christmas does result in strange looks and comments so it went back in the wardrobe!

As from now I am getting my intention out from the back of the wardrobe and I am not going to put it back when the festivities die down. My intention is going to be used on a daily basis. So my first intention is to truly wish you, whoever you are reading this, a safe, a happy and a peace filled day, not just for today or Christmas but every day. Xxxxxxxxx Niki 21/12/2017 xxxxxxxxxxxxX

Intentions do work

I wrote this last year and posted it on my Facebook page. It popped up this week. Re reading it helped me to reflect on what 2018 held for me. I had my goods, my bads and my uglies. What stood out for me however, was that I started my intentions.

I used my gift to myself. It didn’t get put it back in the wardrobe.  I used it daily to help me question what I wanted. It helped me to make choices and as I used it I grew my courage to make changes for myself.  So Humansense was born and I started writing blogs and the daily dose because we wanted to help and support others. It taken time, that’s okay its a process, I am learning lots about myself along the way. The key for me is that it feels right doing this, it makes me happy doing this.

Intentions do work.  When we set our intentions (or goals) and work at them a little at a time things start to happen. We evolve and move forward and we can start to make the changes we want to see and do.  So give yourself the best gift you can this year. Your gift of intention and be the change you want to see.

With only good thoughts to you for 2019.

Niki xxxx

Losing People we Love 

Grief – One of life’s hardest challenges                             

Grief is a very personal journey. There are no wrong or right ways to grieve. Understanding the process of grief can help us support ourselves and others.  There are two certainties in life.  At some point we will die and so will the people we love.  This is a harsh reality that we don’t often think about until we are confronted with it head on.  The loss of a loved one or someone who is close to us is a devastating blow to our personal World.

As a therapist I work with individuals who have experienced the loss of a family member or friend. I have also had the honour to work with individuals who are coping with the knowledge that they have a terminal condition and are going to die.  On a personal level I have lost close family members and friends, feeling the emotional devastation that comes with saying goodbye and negotiating a way forward whilst trying to find a regained sense of normality.

When we talk about the “bereaved” we mainly use this term in relation to those individuals who have lost someone. However, I think it is important to understand that people who are experiencing an illness or condition that is terminal are also dealing with their own bereavement. They are not only dealing with the impact on their own sense of self but also with the feelings of those close to them.

Understanding the process of grief             

The word Grief comes from the Latin words Gravare to make heavy or Gravis which mean weighty. Various theories have been put forward to try to explain the process of grief.  Although useful, it is important to remember that grieving is unique to each of us.  When we experience a loss or bereavement there are particular emotional responses we can feel. Being aware can help to support ourselves and others through a loss.

Key Models

A key model that is used to explain grief is the Five stages of grief by Kubler Ross (1969) and is as follows:

1) Denial – Often we can react with numbness and disbelief.  We might deny the reality of the situation or loss at some level to avoid the pain or fear.

2) Anger – Intense feelings of anger and resentment commonly arise during this stage.  Unwarranted blame may be directed towards other people, systems and organisations.

3) Bargaining – We use bargaining in a psychological effort to avoid the pain, to try to explain in our minds the things that could have been or made a difference.

4) Depression – This phase reflects the reality of the situation and the loss being fully felt, the magnitude of it and it can feel overwhelming.

5) Acceptance – This not about “forgetting” but rather about re–entering reality as it now is.  It involves integrating the new reality and emotions and finding a way forward.

These stages are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with a loved one we have lost. They can be useful in helping to understand and identity our emotions and feelings but it is important to recognise that grief doesn’t follow a linear pattern but rather we go back and forth within our grief journey the time period varies between individuals.

Another way of looking at grief is through completing “tasks in mourning”(Worden).  These tasks include:

1) Accepting the reality of the loss – This task involves us coming to terms with the end of someone’s life or our own.

2) Work through the pain and grief – Grief is emotionally and physically painful. The task here is for us to “deal with” and “experience” the pain that we naturally want to avoid.

3) Adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing – This task focuses on the bereaved adjusting to life without their loved one and involves both internal and external adjustments.

4) Find an enduring connection whilst moving forward – This final task is about retaining an emotional connection with the deceased whilst continuing with life.

How our grieving process can be affected               

Our ability to cope with loss is affected by lots of things. It’s very individual. We won’t all experience the same thing as no two loses are the same and neither are relationships. If we can be mindful about this it can greatly help our understanding around our own and others responses to loss.

Factors such as our own personality type, upbringing and culture (family and society) have an impact on how we view and respond to death and dying. The amount of previous losses we have experienced along with how we cope with them will have an impact. The nature of the relationship or “attachment” is of key importance.  Psychological theory places an importance on the development of healthy attachments in providing resilience.  Other factors that influence our ability to work through grief include our support systems, financial pressures, current personal health issues and social acceptability of the cause of death or the relationship.

Supporting the bereaved

There are many misconceptions about the grieving process. It can also feel difficult in knowing how to support someone going through a loss or bereavement. Below are some pointers to think about that can help:

• Understand and accept we all deal with grief differently. Don’t pressure the bereaved to “move on” or be judgemental about choices they make afterwards.
• Listen and encourage the person to talk if they want too. Being able to re tell their story over again helps with processing and the healing process.
• Offer practical help where you can. This can be particularly helpful at the start when life feels very chaotic.
• Be accepting that emotions are intense so don’t take things personally. Allow the bereaved to show anger or cry without making a judgment of telling them how to respond.
• Be aware children grieve too although not necessarily the same as adults. Death can be very confusing for children and they may not cry or show sadness like adults.

Supporting loved ones with a terminal condition

There are some helpful ways in which we can support those we know and love who are coping with terminal conditions.

• Appreciate they are not only dealing with their own feelings and emotions but are also dealing with the emotions of those around them.
• Understand that a person’s perspective on life can change dramatically. What was once important or had value may change.
• Be prepared to talk over wishes and arrangements. Often, this can be a helpful process for all those involved.
• Creating memory or Keepsafe boxes can help families create enduring memories and help with grief

For more detailed information on grief and supporting the bereaved go to our resources page to access our free download

Niki x

What is the difference between formal and informal care?

A person who provides care and assistance to another individual such as a family member, friend, or neighbour on an “unpaid” basis is defined as an informal carer.  Informal carers provide practical and emotional support to those close to them who may experience disability, chronic illness, mental health needs or recovering from an accident.  Formal care is provided by paid workers such as a nurse.

Informal Carers – I am One of 186 million.

At some point in their life, 3 out of every 5 people will become an informal carer.  So if you are reading this, the chances are you belong to a very special group of people. I say special because you give your love, support, and time to caring for someone close to you.  This may not be something you chose, it is indeed challenging and hard work both physically and emotionally and it has probably changed your life.  Believe me, you are special and should be celebrated by your community and society for the commitment and service you provide.  Read on and find out why.

“Informal Carers” – Global Statistics of an unpaid Workforce

It is estimated that there are over 186 million informal carers Worldwide. “Around the globe, carers are the invisible backbone of our health and social care systems, often sacrificing their own physical, financial and psychological well-being in order to provide care for a loved one”. International Alliance of care Organisations 2012

In the UK alone, economically, informal carers save the state £132 billion a year (Carers UK & University of Sheffield 2015).  Australian informal carers save their Government $60.2 billion and in America, unpaid carers save their states $470 billion (International Alliance of Carer Organisations 2015).

Current available statistics highlight that there are:

• 6.5 million in the UK (Census2011)
• 1 million in Canada (Portrait of a Caregiver 2012)
• 2.7 million in Australia (Carers Australia 2015)
• 65 million in the US (Caregiving in the US 2015)
• 125 million in Europe (Glendinning et al 2009)

That makes a total of 200.2 million. However, the reality is an estimate and the likely hood is its much higher as statistics for countries such as Russia, China, Latin America, and the Indian Continent are not readily available.

Who are informal carers?

An informal carer is a mother or father, wife or husband, a daughter or son, a grandmother, your neighbour, the child that is late for school, the teenager who doesn’t go out at the weekends with their friends, your friend.  “They are not limited by culture of country, they are universal, sharing common traits and facing common challenges” (Embracing Carers 2015).  The reality is that anyone can become a carer. The role does not discriminate, it doesn’t choose based on your age, gender, educational background, your income or the suitability of your home environment.

Research indicates that women aged 30 – 64 make up the highest group of informal carers Globally.   In the UK, 58 percent of caregivers are female and 42 percent are male.  In the EU, a typical caregiver is a woman between 45 and 75 years of age (Embracing Carers 2015), and for the US 66% who provide informal care to a spouse or other family member are women (www.carergiver.org).

Although informal caring roles are provided by women there are other groups of carers that are all too often invisible to society.

Young Carers                

A young carer is someone who is 18 years old or younger.  It is estimated that 7 – 8 % of children in Europe have caregiving responsibilities.  More alarmingly, the majority of childcarers are invisible to their public support systems. This means young carers often suffer silently.  The responsibilities of a young carer might include practical tasks such as cooking or shopping, personal care, emotional support, helping to manage finances, looking after siblings or giving medication. That’s a lot of responsibility for someone so young.

Caring responsibilities and Young Carer Wellbeing

Children who find themselves in a caring role often experience mixed feelings about the responsibility they hold.  They want to ensure that their loved ones are looked after and may feel worried about telling people that they are carers.  Feelings of anger, anxiety, and sadness are commonplace. For some young carers not being able to share their feelings or concerns can lead to depression and anxiety with self-harm being used as a way of coping with the overwhelming emotions felt.

The impact on their lives is huge affecting their emotional well-being, confidence, education, friendships, social interactions, and future opportunities.  In a study by Euro Carers (2017) 68% of young carers experienced bullying at school and a study by Carers Trust in the UK showed that 39% of young carers said that nobody at their school knew they were in a caring role.

Dementia Carers

Worldwide someone develops dementia every 3 seconds.  Currently, in the UK 850,000 people are diagnosed with dementia and 5.7 million in the US.

Dementia is an umbrella term used to describe a group of illnesses that cause degeneration of brain cells, leading to what is known as cognitive decline. This means that a person with dementia may have difficulties in reasoning, concentration, and short-term memory. Dementia can also affect language ability, both in terms of the way a person communicates, but also how much they can understand.

Dementia is progressive in nature, which for most people means that it will get worse over time. As the way the Dementia progresses will be different for each person, no two people will have the same experience of Dementia even if they have the same type and are the same age. (Expert Dementia Carer Training 2009, OLSW)

Caring for a loved one who has dementia poses many challenges.  Cognitive decline and personality changes can make communication very difficult, as the condition progresses keeping a loved safe can become more difficult restricting the ability to leave them on their own.  Often the carer is on 24 hour alert as many dementia sufferers find it hard to settle, particularly during the night resulting in interrupted of lack of sleep for the carer.  This has huge implications for their own personal health and well-being.

As with many unpaid carers they often put their own health need last.  A recent survey indicated that more than half (54 %) of unpaid caregivers don’t have time to book or attend their own medical appointments. 47 % have feelings of depression with almost 3 in 5 (57 %) feeling that they needed medical care/support for a mental health condition (e.g., depression, anxiety, stress) due to their role as caregivers.  Of these, a quarter had not sought medical help. (Healthcare Support Survey 2015).  Many carers identified they were using alcohol and/or smoking to cope with the stress they were feeling and over half felt over all their own health had suffered. Click here for free guide on managing carer stress

Connect with a Carer

“The majority of carers do not feel their role of supporting patients (loved ones) is understood and valued by their community” (friends, neighbours, local shops, healthcare systems, social services, and local Government agencies) (Healthcare Support Survey Findings).   The chances are you are or have been a carer or you know someone in your community who is an informal carer.

So with all this in mind how can you support an informal carer?  Often it is the little things that can make a world of difference you could connect by:-

• Listening empathically can help carers feel understood and less isolated and it is someone else to talk to. Often carers are more isolated due to their caring role.
• Practical help such as helping with some shopping, cutting the grass, putting out the rubbish, posting a letter, helping with transport to attend an appointment, or any of the 101 things we do to maintain a home on a daily basis generally takes time and time is a precious commodity for an informal carer.
• Valuing an informal carer for what they do can be as simple as acknowledging the difficulty and the complexity of their role. Informal carers have many skills they have developed as part of their care role which is often overlooked.
• Time for informal carers is precious. Any time you can give to ease their role can be really helpful. From offering to clean their windows to taking around a hot meal to offering an hour here or there can make a huge difference.  Don’t forget, this can be good for you too! See it as committing small acts of kindness. Helping others makes us feel good and in the sharing, we can learn new skills, gain new knowledge and create understanding.

Help a carer connect

For simple tips to help carer stress click here to visit the Humansense resource page

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Go Bananas!!!!  The yellow smiley super fruit

Bananas are a super food that can help to stabilize mood. When I was pregnant with my son I had a craving for bananas, I reckon my consumption of the things helped to increase the share value of the global banana market!  I would get through about 6 – 8 of the yellow delights a day.  In all honesty they were often the only thing I could stomach that literally didn’t make me want to throw up!  8 years on I still love them and eat a banana or two daily.  It got me thinking, what is it about bananas and how are they good for your health?

Banana Boost for body and mind

Eating bananas regularly can have a positive effect on our health and well-being.  Bananas give a natural energy boost, although they offer carbohydrates they are low on the glycemic index and are packed full of fibre. They contain plenty of nutrients and anti-oxidants. Bananas contain no fat or sodium and are cholesterol free.    Bananas are easy to digest making them an excellent choice for a post exercise snack or an “on the go” boost.  They are also good for your heart helping to lower blood pressure. At around 100 calories for a medium-sized banana you can’t go wrong.

Feeling Low? Grab a nana

When it comes to increasing mood bananas can’t be beat.  These little beauties contain B6 (potassium) vital for optimum nerve function and Tryptophan that helps the body to produce serotonin. Serotonin is a natural mood stabilizer and when levels are normal we feel happier, more emotionally stable and calmer.  A lack of serotonin can lead to depression and anxiety and creates sleeping, eating and digestion problems.

Bananas are the ultimate Green Fast Food

Bananas come in their own packaging that is totally recyclable. As well as making an excellent fertilizer banana peel has a variety of uses that could save you some pennies. So before you compost your peels you might like to think about using the inside of peels to:

Rub on your forehead to help ease a headache

Help stop inflammation and itching from mosquito bites

Clean and polish leather shoes

Rub your teeth to help whiten them

Use on scrapes or burns to lessen the pain, inflammation and prevent infection

Find out more fun banana facts at https://thebananapolice.com/fun-facts/

We are all a little bit bananas

The old scientific name for Banana is Musa Sapientum which means “fruit of a wise man”.  Musa Sapientum is not used as the official banana name today, however Ancient man certainly knew the value of bananas.  The Egyptians depicted them in hieroglyphs and the fruit was probably first cultivated in Southeast Asia.  India grows more bananas that any other county with over a 100 million being eaten every year Worldwide.

Classed as a berry that grows on a herb bananas come in a range of varieties including ones with fuzzy skins, stripped with pulp the colour of bright orange sherbet and ones that taste of strawberries when they are cooked. To top it off humans share 50% of their DNA with this super fruit. If that’s not bananas, I don’t know what is!

Niki x