📖 New Book Release: Being Good Enough – A Guide to Overcoming Self-Doubt & Embracing Your Worth! 🚀

Have you ever felt like no matter how much you achieve, it’s never enough? Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval, battling perfectionism, or struggling with self-doubt? If so, you’re not alone—and this book is for you.

I’m so excited to announce the release of my new book, Being Good Enough: A Practical Guide to Overcoming Self-Doubt and Embracing Your Worth!

🌟 What This Book Will Help You With:
✔ Recognising the hidden rules that shape your self-worth
✔ Letting go of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and fear of failure
✔ Challenging the beliefs that keep you stuck in self-doubt
✔ Building confidence and self-acceptance on your own terms

This book is packed with insightful exercises and real-world strategies to help you break free from the pressure of proving yourself—because you are already enough.

📚 Who This Book Is For:
✨ Anyone struggling with self-worth and confidence
✨ Perfectionists, overthinkers, and people pleasers
✨ Readers who love self-help books like The Gifts of Imperfection and Atomic Habits
✨ Anyone who wants to feel truly good enough, just as they are

📖 Available Now on Amazon Kindle & Paperback!

👉 Download the PDF here or the Kindle Version https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0F1DBJH4B

💡 You don’t have to earn your worth. You already have it. It’s time to believe in yourself and live with confidence.

If this book speaks to you, I’d love for you to check it out—and if you do, let me know what resonates with you the most! 💙

Taking the first step to engage in therapy can be daunting and finding the right therapist can often feel like searching for a needle in a haystack.

With so many professionals, how do you ensure you’ve made the right choice? The journey to mental well-being should be marked by trust, understanding, and the right therapeutic fit. In this blog, we will explore why selecting a therapist who aligns with your needs is crucial, how to identify the right one for you, and the impact it can have on your therapy journey.

Why Choosing the Right Therapist Matters

1. Therapeutic Alliance

The relationship between you and your therapist, often referred to as the therapeutic alliance, plays a pivotal role in the effectiveness of therapy. A strong connection built on trust and mutual respect can greatly enhance the process of healing and growth. When you feel comfortable with your therapist, you are more likely to open up about your thoughts and feelings, which is essential for meaningful progress.

2. Tailored Approaches

Each individual’s mental health journey is unique. Different therapists may specialize in various modalities, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, humanistic approaches, or even integrative therapists who are trained in several approaches. Choosing a therapist who understands your specific needs—be it anxiety, depression, trauma, or relationship issues—ensures that the therapeutic techniques applied are suited to help you effectively.

3. Cultural Competence and Understanding

In our diverse society, cultural competence is vital in therapy. A therapist who acknowledges and respects your background, experiences, and identity can provide a safe space for you to explore sensitive topics. This understanding fosters an environment where you feel validated and understood, paving the way for deeper discussions.

How to Choose the Right Therapist

1. Know What You’re Looking For

Take time to reflect on your mental health goals. Are you seeking support for specific issues or looking for general guidance? Having a clear idea of what you want to achieve can help narrow down your choices.

2. Research Options

Use online directories, read reviews and ask for recommendations to find potential therapists. Explore their credentials, experience, and therapeutic styles. Don’t hesitate to reach out to them directly with any questions you might have regarding their approach.

3. Schedule Initial Consultations

Many therapists offer a free initial consultation. Use this opportunity to gauge compatibility. Pay attention to their communication style, and how comfortable and heard you feel as this will directly affect how much benefit you gain from your sessions.

Dom Wymark

Reclaim Your Serenity With These Stress-Busting Tips

Photo via Pexels

In the bustling rhythm of modern life, stress has become a silent adversary for many. It weaves into your days through myriad channels, often unnoticed until its effects are palpable. Understanding how to recognize and mitigate this invisible burden is crucial for not just surviving but thriving. In this article, we’ll go over several ways you can effectively keep stress from making an impact on your life.

Unveiling Hidden Stressors in Your Life

You encounter numerous triggers daily that may elevate your stress levels. These triggers vary widely among individuals, stemming from professional deadlines to personal relationships, financial pressures, and health concerns. The crucial first step in tackling stress is recognizing these triggers. Awareness allows you to strategize effectively, turning overwhelming situations into manageable tasks. Reflect on moments that leave you feeling drained or anxious, and you’ll start to see patterns. Identifying these patterns is your first victory in the battle against stress.

Transforming Work Stress into Professional Growth

Alleviating work stress often requires bold steps; if you’re in a stagnant or high-stress job, starting your own business from home could offer a refreshing change. To get started, you’ll need to write a solid business plan and consider the various structure options and their benefits. Research the right tools and resources that can help you manage tasks from home efficiently. Additionally, set up a dedicated workspace that fosters focus and productivity as you embark on this new venture.

The Power of a Streamlined Routine

Your daily routine could be a source of stress without you even realizing it. Take a moment to examine your schedule and tasks. You might find that your commitments outnumber your capacity, leading to unnecessary stress and feelings of burnout. Consider simplifying your routine by delegating tasks to your employees, setting priorities, and, if possible, eliminating non-essential activities. This process is not about giving up on responsibilities but about creating a balance that allows you to breathe easier and enjoy life’s moments more fully.

The Art of Resilience

Resilience is your armor against the unpredictable nature of life. It involves developing a mindset that helps you face challenges head-on, rather than avoid them. This doesn’t mean you won’t feel stressed; rather, you’ll be better equipped to handle stressors when they arise. Embracing adaptability and acceptance helps you navigate through turbulent times with grace and composure. Remember, resilience is a skill that can be honed with practice and patience.

The Sanctuary of Relaxation Techniques

Amidst the storm of stress, relaxation techniques serve as your safe haven. Practices such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing exercises, and guided imagery offer quick relief and long-term benefits. By incorporating these techniques into your daily routine, you can maintain a calm mind and a balanced emotional state, even when external circumstances are challenging.

Movement as Medicine

Physical activity is a potent antidote to stress. It’s not just about the physical benefits; exercise releases endorphins, chemicals in your brain that act as natural painkillers and mood elevators. Find activities that you enjoy, whether it’s a brisk walk, a dance class, or swimming, or get the whole family involved with a fun workout. Regular engagement in physical activity can transform your well-being, reducing stress and enhancing your mood significantly.

Environmental Stress Management

Your environment plays a significant role in how you experience stress. Take control by minimizing exposure to stress-inducing factors and enriching your space with elements that promote calmness. Whether it’s introducing plants into your workspace, playing soothing music, or ensuring your living space is organized and comforting, these changes can have a profound impact on your stress levels.

In the journey through life, stress is an inevitable companion, but it doesn’t have to dictate your path. By adopting a proactive approach to stress management, you can transform your experiences from overwhelming to enriching. Remember, the power to change how you interact with stress lies within you. With the right tools and mindset, you can navigate life’s pressures with grace and emerge stronger, calmer, and more resilient.

Take the first step toward improved emotional health with personalized online counselling and psychotherapy services from Humansense. Book your free initial consultation today.

Guest author George Hamilton.

Coping with Exam Success NOT Stress

It’s that time of year again – exam season!

Feeling a bit overwhelmed, don’t worry, it’s normal to have some anxieties and a little bit of stress can be motivating, however, stressing out is not. Whether you’re currently facing exams or preparing for them, don’t stress. Read on to find out how you can beat the stress of exams and give yourself the best chance of success.

Plan and Organize

One of the main sources of exam stress is feeling unprepared. To alleviate this, plan and organize your study schedule ahead of time.  Creating a timetable of study allows you to break down your subjects or topics into manageable chunks and allocate specific time slots for each. This will help you to set achievable goals, will aid retention and help you to stay in control.

Practice Time Management to Avoid Cramming

Managing your time effectively stops procrastination which leads to unnecessary stress. Keeping to a consistent study routine will help you to stay focused, improve your productivity and allow your brain to absorb information more effectively.  Shorter bursts of focused study are more productive than cramming, although cramming may seem tempting, it’s not an effective study strategy. A good rule to follow is 20 to 30 minutes of focused study followed by a 10-minute break. Repeat.

Take Care of Your Health

Prioritize self-care during the exam period for a healthy body and mind. Make sure to eat nutritious meals with plenty of fruit and veg, get regular exercise, and have a proper sleep routine. Keep hydrated throughout the day as this helps concentration. Ensure that at the end of your study periods, you help your brain unwind by ensuring you relax.

Avoid Comparison

Comparing your progress with others can create unnecessary stress. Every individual has a unique study style and pace. Focus on your own journey and avoid getting caught up in what others are doing. It’s important to acknowledge and celebrate your own achievements. Use positive imagery, be confident, see yourself succeeding and remember your exams are a chance for you to show your learning and knowledge, they don’t define your worth, so give yourself credit for the hard work you’ve put in and maintain a positive mindset. Good luck with your exams!

Author Niki Wymark

Attachment Styles and Relationships

In the realm of psychology and interpersonal dynamics, attachment styles play a significant role in shaping the nature of our relationships. Attachment styles are patterns of behaviour and emotions that develop early in life and influence how individuals form and maintain close bonds throughout their lives. Understanding these attachment styles can offer valuable insights into our own relationship patterns and provide a foundation for fostering healthier connections with others.

In this article, we will explore the four main attachment styles, their impact on relationships, and strategies for developing secure attachments.

What are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles, as identified by psychologist John Bowlby and further developed by Mary Ainsworth, refer to the different ways individuals connect with and relate to others. These styles are influenced by our early experiences with caregivers and shape our expectations, emotions, and behaviours in relationships.

The four main attachment styles are:

Secure Attachment Style

Individuals with a secure attachment style generally have positive views of themselves and others. They are comfortable with intimacy and are able to establish and maintain healthy, satisfying relationships. Securely attached individuals tend to have supportive and responsive caregivers during their childhood, which allows them to trust and rely on others.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style

Those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style crave closeness and fear rejection or abandonment. They often doubt their self-worth and seek constant reassurance from their partners. This attachment style typically develops when caregivers are inconsistent in meeting their child’s needs, leading to anxiety and uncertainty.

Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style

Individuals with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style tend to downplay the importance of intimacy. They value independence, and self-reliance, and may have difficulties with emotional vulnerability. This attachment style often arises from having caregivers who are emotionally unavailable or rejective, leading the individual to distance themselves from others to protect against potential rejection.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style

The fearful-avoidant attachment style combines elements of both anxious-preoccupied and avoidant-dismissive styles. People with this attachment style desire close relationships but are afraid of intimacy due to past experiences of trauma or abuse. They may exhibit contradictory behaviours, alternating between seeking and avoiding closeness.

Influence of Attachment Styles on Relationships

Understanding your own attachment style, as well as that of your partner or potential partner, can significantly impact the dynamics of your relationships. Here is how each attachment style may influence romantic connections:

Secure Attachment

Style Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier and more satisfying relationships. They are comfortable with emotional intimacy and are generally effective at both giving and receiving support. They can communicate openly and honestly, creating a strong foundation of trust within the relationship.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style

Those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style carry a constant fear of rejection and often seek excessive reassurance. They may become overly dependent on their partner and experience higher levels of jealousy and possessiveness. This can lead to relationship conflicts and emotional turmoil.

Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment Style

Individuals with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style often struggle with emotional intimacy and may distance themselves from their partner. They may have difficulty expressing their emotions and avoid discussing relationship concerns. Their tendency to prioritize independence can result in emotional disconnection within the relationship.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style

People with a fearful-avoidant attachment style face internal conflicts regarding intimacy, resulting in a push-pull dynamic within relationships. They may yearn for closeness but fear vulnerability and the potential for pain. This can lead to difficulties in establishing and maintaining long-lasting and satisfying relationships.

Developing a Secure Attachment

Although attachment styles are established early in life, they are not set in stone. With self-awareness, effort, and therapeutic intervention if needed, individuals can develop a more secure attachment style. Here are some strategies to cultivate secure attachments:

Reflect on Your Childhood Experiences

Take time to reflect on your experiences with caregivers in your early life. Recognize the impact these experiences may have had on your attachment style. Journaling or seeking professional guidance can be helpful in gaining insights and understanding your relationship patterns.

Cultivate Self-Awareness

Developing self-awareness is crucial in understanding your own feelings, needs, and fears. By identifying and acknowledging your attachment style and triggers, you can begin to consciously respond to situations rather than reacting based on past patterns.

Communication Skills

Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships. Practice open and honest communication with your partner or potential partner. Express your needs, concerns, and feelings in a respectful and non-confrontational manner. Active listening and empathy play a crucial role in building trust and understanding.

Counselling can help

If you find it challenging to develop a secure attachment style on your own, seeking therapy can be beneficial. A skilled therapist can guide you through self-exploration, help you heal from past traumas, and provide tools and techniques to develop healthier relationship patterns.

Attachment styles and relationships are closely intertwined, shaping the quality and dynamics of our connections with others. By understanding our own attachment style and working towards developing a secure attachment, we can foster healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Remember that attachment styles are not fixed, and self-awareness, communication, and self-reflection are powerful tools for creating lasting and secure attachments with partners and loved ones. So, whether you are hoping to deepen an existing relationship or build a new one, exploring and understanding attachment styles is a valuable journey toward cultivating healthier and more gratifying connections.

If you would like to find out more or feel counselling might be helpful for you, you can contact us via our contact page.

Men’s Mental Health: Breaking the Stigma and Seeking Support

Introduction

In today’s society, conversations around mental health have become more open and accepted. However, unfortunately, there still remains a stigma, especially when it comes to men’s mental health. This stigma can prevent men from seeking the help and support they need. In this article, we aim to explore the importance of men’s mental health, debunk common misconceptions, and provide practical tips for men to prioritize their mental well-being.

Understanding the Stigma

The Traditional Notions of Masculinity

For generations, men have been conditioned to adhere to traditional notions of masculinity. This often entails suppressing emotions, showing strength at all times, and not asking for help. Unfortunately, these societal expectations can be detrimental to men’s mental health, as they might feel unable to express their struggles for fear of appearing or indeed feeling weak or vulnerable.

The Negative Stereotypes

Stereotypes surrounding mental health further contribute to the stigma men face.

Depicting mental health challenges as a sign of weakness or instability only perpetuates the misconception that seeking support is unmanly. However, it is crucial to understand that mental health issues can affect anyone, regardless of gender, and seeking help is a strength, not a weakness.

The Importance of Men’s Mental Health

Higher Rates of Suicide

Men are statistically more likely to die by suicide than women. The stigma surrounding mental health can discourage men from seeking support, leading to feelings of isolation and despair. Raising awareness about men’s mental health and encouraging open conversations can help reduce these distressing statistics.

Impact on Relationships

Neglecting mental health can also negatively impact personal relationships.

Untreated mental health issues may lead to strained communication, emotional withdrawal, and difficulty forming and maintaining healthy connections. Prioritizing mental well-being can lead to more fulfilling relationships with partners, friends, and family.

Common Mental Health Challenges among Men

Depression and Anxiety

Depression and anxiety are two of the most common mental health challenges men face. These conditions can manifest differently in men, often presenting as irritability, anger, or physical symptoms like headaches and stomachaches. Recognizing these signs and addressing them promptly is crucial for maintaining mental well-being.

Substance Abuse

Men are more likely to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse, to mask their emotional pain. Alcohol or drug dependency can worsen mental health symptoms and create a cycle of self-destructive behaviours. Seeking professional help for substance abuse is pivotal to reclaiming one’s mental health.

Breaking the Stigma: Practical Steps for Men

Developing Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence involves recognizing and managing one’s emotions effectively. By developing emotional intelligence, men can build healthier coping mechanisms and navigate challenging situations with resilience. Engaging in self-reflection, practising mindfulness, and seeking therapy can all contribute to developing emotional intelligence.

Building a Supportive Network

Surrounding oneself with a supportive network is essential for men’s mental health. This may include friends, family members, or professional support groups. Opening up to trusted individuals about mental health concerns can alleviate feelings of isolation and serve as a reminder that seeking support is an important and brave choice.

Seeking Professional Help

When it comes to mental health, seeking professional help is crucial. Mental health professionals, such as therapists or counsellors, provide a safe space for men to explore their emotions, develop coping strategies, and work towards mental well-being. Taking this step does not indicate weakness, but rather a commitment to self-improvement and personal growth.

Breaking the Stigma: Encouraging Change in Society

Promoting Education and Awareness

Education is paramount in dispelling myths and misconceptions surrounding men’s mental health. By promoting awareness campaigns, workshops, and discussions, we can challenge societal norms, break down stigmas, and encourage open conversations about mental health.

Providing Accessible Resources

Ensuring accessible resources for men’s mental health is key. Online therapy, helplines, and community support groups can offer anonymity and convenience to those seeking support. Investing in mental health initiatives that specifically target men can create a safe and inclusive environment for seeking help.

Conclusion

Men’s mental health is a topic that deserves our attention and advocacy. By breaking the stigma surrounding mental health, men can feel empowered to prioritize their well-being and seek support when needed. Let us work together to foster a society that values men’s mental health, creates a safe space for open dialogue, and supports all individuals in their journey toward mental well-being.

Image via Pexels

Life’s Rollercoaster: Practical Tips for Riding the Highs and Lows

Life is a journey filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. These major life changes, whether positive or negative, can often feel overwhelming and challenging to navigate. However, with the right strategies, you can effectively manage these transitions and come out stronger on the other side. From Humansense, here are some practical tips to help you adapt and thrive during these pivotal moments in your life.

Practice Relaxation Techniques

In the face of significant change, stress and anxiety are natural responses. Practicing relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga can help you maintain calmness and clarity of mind. Regular practice of these techniques can equip you with the inner peace needed to manage your emotions and make sound decisions.

Focus on the Positive

Change can be daunting, but it’s crucial to focus on the positive aspects it may bring. Embrace the possibilities of new experiences, growth, and learning opportunities that lie ahead. This optimistic mindset will enable you to see change as an exciting adventure rather than a fearful unknown.

Set Achievable Goals

Setting small, achievable goals can give you a sense of control and direction amidst the chaos of change. These goals can act as stepping stones that guide you towards adapting to the new circumstances. Remember, every small success brings you one step closer to your ultimate objective.

Digitise Important Documents

During times of major life changes, it’s essential to keep your important documents organized and easily accessible. Here’s a possible solution — digitizing these documents into PDFs. This method can help achieve this crucial organization. Plus, you can easily rotate PDF pages to portrait or landscape mode depending on your viewing preference. By embracing this digital organization, you can save time and alleviate stress when quick access to critical information is needed.

Develop Outlets for Relieving Stress

Having outlets for stress relief is crucial when navigating life changes. This could be anything from physical exercise, like jogging or dancing, to creative pursuits, such as painting or writing. Engaging in these activities not only provides a distraction from the challenges at hand but also releases endorphins that can boost your mood and outlook.

Stay Open-Minded

Adaptability is key during life transitions. Staying open-minded allows you to embrace change instead of resisting it, which can greatly ease the transition process. This flexibility can lead to unexpected opportunities and enriching experiences that you might have otherwise missed, enhancing your personal growth and broadening your horizons.

Seek Support

Don’t hesitate to seek support during challenging times, whether it’s from friends, family, or professional counsellors like Niki and Dom of Humansense. Sharing your feelings and experiences with someone else can provide relief and valuable insights, helping you gain a fresh perspective on the situation. Remember, you don’t have to navigate these changes alone; there are always people around you who are ready and willing to lend a hand or a listening ear.

Navigating major life changes can seem like a daunting task. However, by implementing these strategies, you can manage these transitions with confidence and resilience. Develop relaxation techniques, focus on the positive, set achievable goals, digitize important documents, develop outlets for stress relief, stay open-minded, and seek support. With these tools at your disposal, you’re well-equipped to handle the ebb and flow of life’s remarkable journey.

Guest writer. Phillip Carr youryearlycheckup.com

The Benefits  of Art and Music Therapy
for Those in Recovery

As someone in recovery, your sobriety journey is intensely personal. To be sure, even though you are probably doing the same thing that others are in their recovery — eating healthy, exercising, avoiding trigger spots and people, and attending meetings — the additional decisions you make as you choose to stay sober are exclusively yours. So, why not add some joy to your recovery and use art and music as therapeutic tools?

Even if you’re not sure which side of a paintbrush to hold or you know you can’t carry a tune in a bucket, learning how to play a musical instrument or sing, or how to draw, paint, or even sculpt can add a joyful dimension to your sobriety and yourself. What’s more, you can, instead, choose to learn about art and music and deepen your appreciation of the arts.

Here, Online Therapy and Coaching provides guidance on finding your artistic outlet.

How It Works

People on the path to sobriety often relapse when they feel stress or anxiety, which most often happens when they feel a loss of control. Writing at Psychology Today, Dr. Elliot D. Cohen refers to it as our “demand for certainty in a world that is tentative and uncertain.”

Normally, hobbies are a great way to relieve the twin conditions of stress and anxiety, namely because they can help us feel in control, and just their very practice helps reduce heart rate and blood pressure and increase happiness. Hobbies get the mind and hands focused on a single task, whether it’s knitting a scarf or running a model railroad. They can also help us stay productive, build confidence, and connect us with productive, drug-free people who pursue the same hobbies. And because they can reduce stress, they can reduce the possibility of relapse.

Why Art or Music?

Like other hobbies, art and music can definitely be therapeutic. Additionally, they can also be creative outlets for building self-confidence, expressing feelings, establishing connections with others, and bringing joy. What makes them a little extra special is that they both can be forms of communication.

Art involves communication with imagery, whether it’s a painting or a sketch. Through it, you can communicate anger or peace, chaos, or control. Music, meanwhile, is communication with a sound other than the spoken word, and it, too, can reflect feelings of distress or calm. With art, you’re not just limited to watercolors on a canvas. You can learn to use charcoal, colored pencils, oil paints, textures, or you can learn photography. Likewise, with music, you don’t have to learn an instrument; you can also take voice lessons.

Even if you don’t feel you have the coordination to make art or feel you have the ear to make music, you can learn to appreciate and study both of them instead. Consider taking an art or music appreciation class, attend art exhibits, and attend symphonies or an opera. You can also spend some time on the internet and find a type of art or music that interests you, then find out everything you can about it. Either way, you don’t have to reduce your joy just because you are choosing to experience something instead of creating it.

Bob Ross, the late painting instructor, said that “every day’s a good day when you paint.” He also said that painting can bring a lot of “good thoughts to your heart.” But it really doesn’t matter if you’re painting, drawing, sculpting, making clay pots, playing an instrument, or singing from the top of your lungs. Learning art and music can add a dimension of joy to your sobriety. They can all bring good thoughts to your heart.

Photo Credit: Pixabay.com

Guest article by Lydia Chan from alzheimerscaregiver.net

Positive Intentions

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Living in the age of Covid – Create a Covid Mindset

When the Corona virus pandemic hit in January 2020 who would have thought that at the start of  2021 many of us across the globe would still be living life in lock down or under curfew.  Christmas 2020 will certainly be one to remember. It will become part of our World history. Its time to create a Covid mindset.

For many, 2020 was the year families and friends faced forced separation through social distancing rules. Families  dealt with the first Christmas without loved ones who have died from the disease.  As of time of writing there are  over 1.85 million plus Covid deaths worldwide (www.worldometers.info).  Businesses have been forced to close impacting on people’s livelyhoods, with many not opening again.  Work and education has been affected and people are feeling isolated and lonely.  Look anywhere and you will see the impact of the Covid pandemic. The changes have been massive, affecting us all in someway or another.

 Change and Loss

Change and loss are part of life. However, it’s safe to say that 2020 has resulted in an unprecedented amount of change and loss for millions across the globe.   Typically, the changes have been unwelcome, significant, anxiety provoking and for many traumatic.  These types of changes make us question ourselves and the world as well as causing fear and anxiety because we are living with huge amounts of uncertainty.

We all experience change differently but there have been shared common themes at some point this year –  curtailment of our day to day freedoms, not being able to mix with our family or friends, work and financial changes, travel and the  education of our children and young people to name a few.

External v Internal locus of control

A theory developed by Rotter (1954) examines how a person’s Locus of Control influences their belief in the amount of control they have over their lives.  An internal locus is the belief that a individual has control over their own lives whereas an external locus is the belief that life is controlled by outside factors in which they have no influence.

Self efficacy, a person’s level of self confidence is closely related to how we view our own locus of control. This is found to be closely related to how we deal with stressors we face in our day to day lives. Some research findings suggest that people with a higher external locus and a lower self efficacy are more likely to experience higher levels of stress and be more vulnerable to external influences.

Covid Fatigue

The Covid pandemic has influenced the global locus of control. There are external factors we have no control over and cannot do anything about.

Media bombards us daily with Covid updates, infection rates, death rates, restrictions, what we can and can’t do from one day to the next. It can feel confusing, anxiety provoking and frustrating! No wonder we are fed up, disillusioned and tired.  How long will this go on for? When will it end? Will we ever get back to normal? Our lives for the last 12 months have radically changed and it is set to continue for 2021 whether we like it or not.

Create a Covid mindset to improve mental well-being

Presently there are some external factors we cannot change. However,  what we do have control over is how we react and respond to those external factors. How we think influences how we feel and together these influence our behaviour.

Break the Cycle – challenge your negative thoughts and feel better

If we are feeling low or depressed we might think “Its another awful day” or “What’s the point of doing something?” This makes us feel more depressed. The likely result is we end up behaving in a depressed way – not doing anything or withdrawing. The bottom line is that this negative thinking just increases the feelings of low mood and becomes a vicious cycle of depression or anxiety.

When we are experiencing stress or anxiety we may be more prone to unhelpful patterns of thinking (automatic negative thinking) and these are unconscious. Identifying our own automatic negative thoughts is a good start in helping to break the negative cycles of thinking that cause us distress. Have a look at some of the unhelpful thinking styles below which we can all be prone too.

Mental filtering.  This thinking style involves a filtering in and filtering out process – a sort of tunnel vision, focusing on only one part of a situation and ignoring the rest.

Judgements.  Making evaluations or judgements about events, ourselves, others, or the world, rather than describing what we actually see and have evidence for.

Emotional Reasoning. I feel bad so it must be bad! I feel anxious, so I must be in danger.

Critical self.  Putting ourselves down, self criticism, blaming ourselves for events or situations that are not our responsibility

Should’s, ought’s & must statements.  Reflect our (often unreasonable) standards (“I should do this”, “I must do that”) and frequently lead to feelings of frustration, shame, or guilt.

When life gives you lemons……….

You’ve heard the saying “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!” Covid has and continues to throw buckets of lemons!  We can either let them go to waste or start making lemonade!

Self care – Small steps create big changes

It all starts with the self. When we want to change our mindset we have to work on ourselves and that can feel hard if we are in a rut.  The key is to take small, consistent steps in making positive changes. That way you are more likely to see achievements quickly that will motivate you to keep going.

Steps could include, getting out for a regular walk and fresh air, eating breakfast daily or not skipping meals and creating good sleep patterns. These are all basic needs but often get forgotten when we are stressed or anxious.  Regular relaxation or “time out” is crucial for our mental well-being.  There are lots of apps and a growing number of online groups offerring a variety of relaxation experiences, Yoga, meditation and mindfulness that you can take part in.

Keep Communicating

We are social animals. Contact with others is important for our overall well-being, especially if we live on our own. Communicate with friends and family on a regular basis – via Zoom, Skype, phone and text (social distancing applies).  Hold a Zoom coffee club with friends, join a online forum or organize a virtual quiz night. There are more support groups being offered online so check out your local area or national organisations such as MIND or NHS online for more information.

 Growth and Opportunity in the face of adversity 

There’s no doubt we are living in a difficult and unpleasant situation. When faced with adversity we need to dig deep and find our our inner resiliance. Of course this is easier to say than to do but the goal is to make the best of the situation we are in.  What can we learn from our experiences? What can we learn about ourselves? How can we utlize the opportunties that might be created amidst the changing situation?

All change is an opportunity for growth. What we are experiencing is something new, how we think about the challenges we face will define how we respond to them. So how can we respond to adversity? Being mentally prepared, taking stock of what you have been through, having a purpose and maintaining a sense of humour are key aspects in nurturing a health prespective.

So what are some of the things we can do help ourselves?

Cover the basics – eat, sleep and exercise.

Routine – find yourself a routine – this helps to create structure and familiarity and provides a sense of purpose

Don’t be hard on yourself – don’t forget this situation is new to everyone, there will be ups and downs and that is normal in difficult situations. Nurture yourself in the lows and revel in the highs.

Communicate – keep in touch with others. Reach out if you are feeling isolated or alone.

Take time to reflect – while the world is hold take the time to pause and reflect.  What opportunities can you create? Learn the langauge you have aways wanted too?, Learn a new hobby or skill?, change the way you work?, read those books you never got round too? or maybe you can just take some time you have never allowed yourself too. Now is the opportunity to do so.

Follow a healthy mind platter – a bit like the “5 a day” the Healthy Mind Platter created by Dr Dan Siegel outlines 7 essential daily activties that can help to optimize matter matter and create well-being.

A final thought. We may feel frustrated, anxious or scared. Its understandable and normal given the situation.  Take care of yourselves but remember others where you can.  I love this quote, I don’t know who the author of it is but I think it is particularly relevant.

“Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”

Niki

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 Men’s Mental Health and Stress – Its time to “Speak Out”

Global statistics indicate that 1 in 6 of us over the age of 16 will experience stress, anxiety or depression at some point in our lives. Although both men and women encounter similar levels of stress men are less likely to report physical and emotional symptoms of stress or seek help. Men’s mental health and stress is important. It’s time to speak out.  

What is stress?

Stress can be described as a reaction to a threat.  This is an inbuilt response that humans and animals have when faced with frightening situations.  It is known as the “Fight / Flight” response. This response, a primitive survival mechanism, was crucial for our early ancestors frequently confronted with life threatening events.  Nowadays, we may not face the same physical threats but our brain will still react in the same way when faced with emotional ones.

Stress is part of life and in some cases can be helpful (think back to primitive man).  Stress becomes problematic when it occurs over a long period of time or when we experience too much at a time.  Chronic stress weakens the immune system and can lead to other mental health issues such as anxiety and depression.

Men’s Mental Health and Stress                                                                                                                       

A key difference between men’s and women’s responses to stress is how they deal with it.   Although both experience similar stressors around work or financial issues, relationship difficulties or dealing with significant life changes, such as their own or a family member’s ill health, women tend to search out support and talk about it. On the other hand, research suggests that on the whole men are reluctant to seek help being more likely to “bottle up” their feelings or use “escape” strategies such as alcohol, drugs or withdrawing socially to cope.

Gender stereotypes and expectations in society of having to be “strong” and not show vulnerability are thought to be part of the problem of not talking about it and can increase the chance of depression. In fact the “average suicide rate across all countries among men was 3.7 times greater than that for women”( Health at a Glance Europe 2018).

Signs and Symptoms of stress – things to look out for

Signs and symptoms can be physical, emotional or behavioural. Being aware is the first step in making changes. If you are experiencing one or more of the symptoms below, ask for support.

• Anger and irritability, feelings of despair or hopelessness
• Feeling tired, low energy, not being able to sleep well
• Finding it hard to make decisions or concentrate
• Experiencing headaches, backache, muscle pain and stomach problems
• Withdrawn, not wanting to go out
• Suicidal thoughts
• Smoking or drinking more
• Not feeling hungry or eating for comfort

Recognising and responding to stress early on is key in stopping more severe mental health problems from developing.  If you or someone you know is experiencing stress, follow the tips below and don’t suffer in silence.

SPEAK OUT       (Tips for managing stress)     

S – seek support from family, friends or professionals

P – pace yourself. Break down tasks and jobs so you don’t become overwhelmed

E – eat healthily and regularly

A – activate yourself. Movement /exercise releases endorphins our “happy hormones”

K – kick back and relax.  Take time out for yourself, keep up with hobbies or start one

O – objective not subjective. Try not to personalise, try a different view

U – utilise positive strategies and your skills to help when you feel down

T – talk about how you feel with someone you trust. It’s okay to ask for help

What is a Narcissist?

Narcissists are individuals who tend to go through life –  refusing to take responsibility for their behaviour’s and actions. Are quick to blame others for their own shortcomings. Show a complete lack of genuine empathy for others. Feel they are entitled or special and have difficulty maintaining meaningful relationships.

Types of Narcissism

When we hear the term “narcissist”,  a character who is loud, arrogant, and full of self-importance with big ideas comes to mind. There are however 7 distinct categories:-

1. Grandiose – the classic stereotype of narcissist, arrogant, validation seeking, big ego and full of their own importance.
2. Malignant – has the traits of the grandiose narcissist but has more psychopathic tendencies. They are deliberately mean and have little remorse for their action. They will steal, cheat and lie.
3. Covert – this narcissistic type is passive-aggressive in their behavior towards others. They portray themselves as the victim (the martyr complex) and are put upon by others or the world and are hard done by.
4. Communal – involvement in community and public work but needs to have lots of recognition for their efforts. Often tell everybody how wonderful they are at helping groups they see as vulnerable or less deserving than themselves.
5.  Toxic – There’s a range of toxic narcissism, and none of it is good. A toxic narcissist “continually causes drama in others’ lives at the very least and causes pain and destruction at the very worst.
6. Psychopathic – A psychopath is an unstable, aggressive person, and these traits also show up in the psychopathic narcissist. A psychopathic narcissist, which is a type of toxic narcissist, will often be violent and show no remorse for their behaviour.
7. Closet – This one can be trickier to spot than other types of narcissists because the person isn’t always obvious about their disorder. “A closet narcissist is one who doesn’t inflict their personality upon others or society but firmly believes in the characteristics of narcissism.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

From a clinical point of view, for an individual to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) they need to meet certain diagnostic criteria outlined in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical  Manual for Mental Disorders). The difficulty, however, is the majority of individuals who would be diagnosed do not see themselves as having a problem and are therefore unlikely to seek treatment. For the few that do it’s usually in relation to depression, alcohol or drug use or other mental health issues.  Once in therapy, the narcissist’s inability to take responsibility for their actions along with feedback internalized as unjust criticism it is almost inevitable that they will not continue and soon end contact.

As a therapist I often find myself working with the casualties of the narcissist and the majority of cases involve the more subtle but just as devastating covert type.

Key behaviors and characteristics of the narcissistic personality

• have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and importance – narcissists feel they are superior to other people, they know more than others and their opinions hold more validity than anyone else. They often exaggerate their accomplishments and talents and always do something better than anyone else. There is a “been there, done that” attitude displaying arrogant, haughty behaviours.
• lack genuine empathy for others – they really do not hold a high regard for anyone. They may display “a show” of concern in certain situations but it is rarely long-lasting. It relates more to “being seen” as concerned to outsiders or within a social situation as opposed to really genuinely caring.
• unable to accept responsibility for their behaviours, actions or choices – particularly when something they have done does not work out as they had planned.  Instead, they blame their bad decisions at someone else’s feet.  For example, “its not my fault the business didn’t work out, you didn’t do enough / work hard enough”.
• the rules do not apply to them – this relates to them feeling “special” or “superior”. So unlike other people, they can disregard the rules.  This often means they can behave recklessly or act impulsively.
• bend the truth or lie outright to suit their needs – the narcissist is very good at adapting the truth. They will resort to outright lying to defend their position or to get their needs met.  For example they may only tell half the information or distort it to more extreme measures such as committing fraud.
• change their minds continually so are unreliable – narcissists often involve themselves in lots of things but never for very long. They may go through a variety of jobs or get involved in schemes that fulfills their preoccupation of the fantasies they hold of unlimited success, wealth or power.  They can change their mind as often as their socks without any care of thought of the consequences, particularly on others.
• take advantage of others – people are exploited to meet their own needs. Narcissists are charming manipulators and have very few friends (that stick around). What they do have are “useful” acquaintances.
• undermine and blame others – a hallmark trait of the narcissist is to undermine those people they are closest to and involved with. This is about their need to be “in control”. The narcissistic parent will undermine their offspring from a young age in a variety of ways. This includes eroding confidence and self-esteem to maintain their own by telling their children they are not good enough, they don’t work hard enough, they are lazy, stupid, ungrateful or too sensitive. The narcissistic partner will behave in the same way with their significant other to destroy their self-esteem, value and self-worth thus keeping themselves emotionally secure.
• they do not like to be challenged or criticized – this is because they see themselves as all-knowing and always being right. If they are they will explode and become aggressive or withdraw becoming cold and distant justifying their position by blaming, undermining or belittling the person who has dared confront them.

When narcissists lose control

When the narcissist’s position is challenged or exposed and they lose control over others they become evasive, distort the truth or lie outright often contradicting themselves in the process and will re-write history as they perceive it (basically making it up as they go along).

Narcissists who no longer hold control over someone, usually because the person has become wise to their behaviour and challenges them, they can respond in one or two ways.  They will either be aggressive and disparaging or use the silent treatment. Both of these responses are used to try and elicit emotional pain, confusion and guilt. If this doesn’t bring you back into line the aim is then to exercise as much control as possible. This could include withholding affection, help or finances.

A tactic often used when they have lost control over someone is to try and control how others view that person. This involves talking badly about the person to others, telling half-truths or lies about them or the situation and portraying themselves as a victim to justify their position and discredit the person who has stood up to them.

So how to individuals become narcissistic?

Research indicates that environmental and social factors play a significant influence in the development of NPD in an individual. Narcissism can develop from an impaired emotional attachment to primary caregivers which results in a difficult and chaotic childhood.  Children who are brought up in environments where one or both parents are emotionally neglectful or absent, overly demanding of their own emotional needs and inconsistent in their emotional responses to their child or children are at an increased risk.

Parents may only give affection and value the child for doing well at something so their affection is “conditional”. One child within the family may be pitted against another or there may be a favorite so that comparisons are made. This devalues one child whilst elevating another. This, however, can change rapidly and leave children feeling emotionally insecure and vulnerable impacting on their confidence and self-esteem.

The adult narcissist is driven by an intense, deep-rooted fear that they are inadequate and not good enough. Stemming from early childhood experiences linked to rejection, this fear is so ingrained it is unconscious.  The narcissist is therefore preoccupied with keeping difficult feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy and shame at arm’s length. The narcissist uses defence mechanisms (a way of dealing with painful or difficult emotions) including repression, denial and distortion to cope.

When the narcissist’s fragile sense of self is inadvertently challenged, mini-emotional crises are triggered.  Anger, acting out, sulking and withdrawal are commonplace.  Regressive behaviours both on a cognitive and emotional level occur seeing them return to a childlike state in their actions and responses.

Responding to narcissistic individuals         

It’s not uncommon for people to be involved in long-term relationships with a narcissistic personality and not see it.  Realizing a family member, parent or partner is narcissistic can be difficult and raise a lot of emotions.  There are steps you can take to ensure you look after your own well-being and heal from the trauma caused.

• assert your boundaries –  narcissists find boundaries difficult and will violate them when given a chance.  Be clear and factual about what you will or won’t accept and don’t back down.
• don’t personalize behaviour – the actions and behaviours of the narcissist have little to do with you. Don’t take on the responsibility. They need to learn to own it.
• Respond don’t react – learning to respond as opposed to reacting to their unacceptable demands or behaviours is important. When you respond you come from a more adult, considered position and therefore have more empowerment.
• Educate yourself – learning about how narcissistic behaviour works helps you to understand and deal with it. It’s unlikely the narcissist will change because they do not have sufficient emotional awareness. However, you can.
• seek support – there is a wealth of information to help you cope with your feelings and heal from narcissistic abuse. Online support through articles and forums. Reading books and watching movies can help to provide understanding.  Working with a therapist who understands narcissism provides a good support process.
• self-support – looking after yourself is important.  Honour your feelings, you may experience a range of feelings from anger to sadness to dismay.  Don’t blame yourself. Practice good self-care – take time to heal, nourish the self and use mindfulness or relaxation skills.

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